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Infertility Treatments and Step-children
Question:
I live with my husband and two step-children. I am adopting them soon. Myhusband had a vasectomy during his first marriage. He had it reversed a year ago but we are still not pregnant. The surgery seems to have been a success so we have a lot of hope. But, it is still hard to raise the two children knowing that I may never have my own children. Kristi
Response:
Kristi (GOOg…@gnn.com) wrote:
: I live with my husband and two step-children. I am adopting them : soon. Myhusband had a vasectomy during his first marriage. He had : it reversed a year ago but we are still not pregnant. The surgery : seems to have been a success so we have a lot of hope. But, it is : still hard to raise the two children knowing that I may never have : my own children. Kristi– I am not one to tell you how to live your life but after a year you may want to check with a doctor. That is how we discovered that I am infertile. ANyway, it is very difficult to raise two kids who constantly tell you that you are not their mother knowing that you may never be anybody’s mother. Sometimes it hurts more than you can imagine. Good luck in your quest for children. Check out alt.infertility if you want additional information. Those people are a godsend to me. Louise
Response:
I have been through this one and come out the other side. I married a man knowing he had fertility problems (his daughter, who was 8 when we married, was considered a miracle). It turned out I had problems too. We were successful in our second in vitro fertilization attempt after 2 1/2 years of trying and our own miracle boy is now almost 2 years old. Because of my husband’s history with his first wife–having been told they could never have a child, then she got pregnant 6 months later—I don’t think my stepdaughter ever thought we’d have one. I don’t know what she heard from her mother; the two households were not communicating well at that time. I always had a feeling, though, that my husband’s ex reacted to our marriage like she did–very badly, despite the fact that there were 6 years between their divorce and our marriage–because she "knew" we couldn’t have a child and she may have been afraid that we’d put an emotional burden on her daughter for that reason. If she’d been willing to communicate with me I would have told her we were trying everything under the sun to have our own baby, and didn’t have any intention of co-opting her daughter’s affections, but she wasn’t interested in talking to me so I couldn’t allay that particular fear. We did tell my stepdaughter that her dad was having surgery (to correct a varicocele which turned out to be the reason for his low sperm count). And we told her why. But it took another year and a half before we got pregnant. I was pretty miserable; it was incredibly tough to have to deal with somebody else’s child (noncustodially) while trying desperately to have our own. Even other infertile people were less than understanding. I had women say "Well, at least you have Evelyn" as if a 10-year-old that I saw seven weeks a year was anything like my own baby. The happy ending is that we were blessed with our son after facing pretty horrendous odds, and that the two children love each other. I’m happy to correspond with anybody going through this situation. Catherine Arnott Smith Mama to Simon Peter Brampton Smith, 2/24/94
Response:
DH really does need to see that his little idea of Family is not what it is right now. I truly feel that when you have an ‘ours’ baby, that DH will open his eyes, maybe a lot, maybe a little, but he will. TTYS Lisa B
Response:
Well Pam, I hope you don’t stop trying on account that your WB (stepson) said he doesn’t want you to have kids. That is a choice for you, not him. You are the one who has to raise and nurture the child. Not WB. You will be a great Mom! Can’t wait to hear the news that you are finally preggers. Good Luck Lisa B Lisa B
Response:
lbitler…@aol.com (LBitler591) wrote: >Well Pam, >I hope you don’t stop trying on account that your WB (stepson) said he >doesn’t want you to have kids. That is a choice for you, not him. You >are the one who has to raise and nurture the child. Not WB. You will be >a great Mom! Can’t wait to hear the news that you are finally preggers. >Good Luck >Lisa B
Well, as I live and breathe…. one of my fellow blender boarders made it beyond the firewall and out on to the I-way! AOL? AOL?? What’s this AOL stuff? <G> Actually, WBs reaction made me wanna run and flush all my pills down the toilet and get preggers right away! <G> Sort of…. I feel like having an "ours" child will give me a bit more control in my own home, and make both DH and WB realize that the sun does NOT rise and set on his tubby little belly. Also, to let DH see what a REAL FAMILY is like. He’s got some idea that this honored guest situation is a FAMILY. Not if he gives me no say, it’s not a family! Glad to see you here! WSM Pammy
Response:
lsun…@teleport.com (Lady Sundae) wrote:
So, do we discuss this with them or do we wait until I hopefully >get pregnant and spring the news of a new sibling on them? >Thanks. >Louise >– >Friendship is a rainbow between two people. Why not find a pot of gold >today?
Hi Louise- For ME, it would depend on how the step kids would FEEL about a new baby.. If it’s not something they would be POSITIVE about, I don’t know if I would want to deal with that thru the "trying" process. Also, what about the Bio Mom? Would she make your life miserable if she knew this stuff? You KNOW whatever you tell kids gets passed on. My step son (8) had made it very clear that he does NOT want me to have any babies, that he wants to be the only child. Yes, he’s VERY spoiled – me having a baby will probably be the BEST thing for him. He will know NOTHING about our "trying" until I am several months along. Good luck. I have several friends who are doing or have done various infertility treatments. In the last year, 1 set of twins and 1 set of triplets has been born in my circle. Its wonderful. Pam
Response:
: Hi Louise- : For ME, it would depend on how the step kids would FEEL about a new baby.. : If it’s not something they would be POSITIVE about, I don’t know if I : would want to deal with that thru the "trying" process. Also, what about : the Bio Mom? Would she make your life miserable if she knew this stuff? : You KNOW whatever you tell kids gets passed on. Well, it came up in conversation this weekend. Who would have thought it would? The kids were talking about how they like babies so we just asked how they would feel about a little half-brother or sister. They were very positive about it but once the idea sinks in more, I am sure we will hear more about it. And I am sure that once bio-mom gets wind of it, life will be hell again. *sigh* : My step son (8) had made it very clear that he does NOT want me to have : any babies, that he wants to be the only child. Yes, he’s VERY spoiled – : me having a baby will probably be the BEST thing for him. He will know : NOTHING about our "trying" until I am several months along. Well, we did not go into the details of trying. : Good luck. I have several friends who are doing or have done various : infertility treatments. In the last year, 1 set of twins and 1 set of : triplets has been born in my circle. Its wonderful. Well, we will see what happens. Infertility is a rough road for most people. I have been down this path in my first marriage which did not survive. But things are very different now. Anyway, I am keeping my figers crossed and hope it doesn’t take months and years. If it takes too long, the step-sons will really be resentful. Louise
Response:
In <4er5mq$…@maureen.teleport.com> lsun…@teleport.com (Lady Sundae) writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi! >Well, things are getting pretty crazy around here. I have made some >very positive in-roads with my Step-sons. They even hug me now. The >youngest, Larry, even ran (yes, I said RAN) up to me the last time we >picked them up just so he could get a hug. >Anyway, Paul and I want to have a child of our own. No big deal, right? >Wrong! I have some pretty severe fertility problems so that getting >pregnant is going to take a lot of time and involvement. We are unsure >as to how to approach this with the children. Larry is 7 and Brandon 9 >and they do not know about human sexuality. >For those of you unfamiliar with infertility, this means I will be taking >medication, having tests run and possibly some more aggressive therapy >done. We think the children have a right to know what we are planning so >that they do not feel left out. However, I do not want to alienate them >either. So, do we discuss this with them or do we wait until I hopefully >get pregnant and spring the news of a new sibling on them?
Louise: I wouldnt recommend springing it on them. And I know from where I speak. My daughters were very young when I married my husband. We didn’t intend to have a child together right away, but, well, accidents happen, right? Well, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and the next and the next. We started to think that we would never have a child together. We decided to be open with Sophia and Gena about wanting a child. They gave us their feelings, which were pretty positive. Finally, last january, I got pregnant and it stuck <G>. We worked very hard to include the girls. They started having some "not sure" feelings about the baby once it began to look as tho it would become a reality. Keeping them involved worked. I don’t recommend everything that we did for everyone else. Every situation is unique, and since you have boys, it may be vastly different (I don’t know, all mine are girls). We brought the girls with us to appointments. When we learned it would be a girl, we gave them a list of names that we liked and asked them to agree on one for the baby’s middle name (they chose Seraphina). We asked Gena to choose a baby blanket and Sophia to get a crib toy. Then, the ultimate was that they wanted to be present at the birth. We did (my sister was there also, in case they got scared, etc.) and it worked wonderfully. As far as the sexuality side of it, it’s gonna raise some questions. There is a wonderful book out there by a man named Lennart Nielson, can’t remember the name of it. It’s a wonderful book with incredible pictures and good explanations. Good for the whole family. Good luck, Tami – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thanks. >Louise >– >Friendship is a rainbow between two people. Why not find a pot of gold >today?
Response:
Hi! Well, things are getting pretty crazy around here. I have made some very positive in-roads with my Step-sons. They even hug me now. The youngest, Larry, even ran (yes, I said RAN) up to me the last time we picked them up just so he could get a hug. Anyway, Paul and I want to have a child of our own. No big deal, right? Wrong! I have some pretty severe fertility problems so that getting pregnant is going to take a lot of time and involvement. We are unsure as to how to approach this with the children. Larry is 7 and Brandon 9 and they do not know about human sexuality. For those of you unfamiliar with infertility, this means I will be taking medication, having tests run and possibly some more aggressive therapy done. We think the children have a right to know what we are planning so that they do not feel left out. However, I do not want to alienate them either. So, do we discuss this with them or do we wait until I hopefully get pregnant and spring the news of a new sibling on them? Thanks. Louise — Friendship is a rainbow between two people. Why not find a pot of gold today?